Try having your boyfriend tell the world he'd rather be single. Neat. SO. FUCKING. NEAT.

One day is okay, one week is mm, fine, but one month is a pretty long time for me. So, I have been feeling all pessimistic and not very happy for quite a long time and now it's all strange. Suddenly I'm not used to all these happiness and joy and excitement and love. I was dissing "Love" and how it doesn't exists and all, now I am so in love and I am not used to the change, at fucking all. It's like, I cannot even explain it. My life is back. Lucius is back. How did I ever let my boy go?

I cannot explain how, how grateful I am, that.. that things actually turned out this way. I am so in love now, I am really really such a girl. Well what can I say?

I don't believe in forevers and happy ever afters, but maybe with this boy, I will get mine.

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
                                   i fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you


here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart


i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)


i carry your heart with me
-e.e.cummings



We have finally passed the 3 year mark.

It has been such a long and difficult ride, yet easy at the same time. I cannot believe all that we've been through and I guess the only person to thank and be grateful for is the boy himself (xoxoxo) I would love to say he managed to surprise me (but once again I had my suspicions hehe I hate being so smart lolol), I am quite pretty darn impressed with everything L did. The day/night was Perfect. My perfect lie in bed and eat and watch tv and fall aslp together day. Work had to spoil everything but oh well as the boy loves to put it: "Such Is Life". Anyhow, the bed was perfect. The room service was perfect. I took the chance to collect a cheque and had to take a long and sweaty walk to collect it. That walk was perfect. We bought Japanese pancakes on the way back; the pancakes were mm, perfect.

It's different. It's different now. Am I glad everything happened? No, not really. But am I sad everything happened? No, not really. Somehow everything changed and I am loving every bit of it even more than before. It is probably selfish on my part. I don't know if this should go under being selfish, having thoughts like these, thinking and not really feeling sad about whatever happened. So at this point, I'm kinda going with it "happening for a reason". Whatever. All I know, is that, I am in love and I am believing in it, all over again.

Oh god I am such a girl.

A friend of mine passed me his blog add (which I never knew existed) and I was reading it and smth inside snapped. It just felt like I did not know my friend at all and the conclusion I reached today, nothing really is what it probably seems. I doubt the happy faces I see now, and shamefully maybe even the sad faces now. I doubt jealousy, envy, love, lust, close to every emotion in the world. I guess we all do? I guess I've known that for quite some time deep within? Just that I haven't really seen it upclose and haven't really thought about it in detail?

Well, don't mistaken this post as a sad and "emo" post, another, judging mankind and humanity.

I was just... thinking.

"He's my brandy alexander,

always gets me into trouble."