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to the ones who never learn contentment [Jul. 18th, 2016 12:56 pm]
i like this new me, this new better person where loyalty actually means something but i think ive been finding excuses far too long
i thought i was ready to let go & move on but no, i am so pissed off so so pissed off that i feel this new me being stripped off, i feel like its getting stolen from me
i know ive prob fucked up 7 times too many, but i am doing the best i can at amendments right now & to have the better person getting stripped away.. i cant (?!) having been there done that, it would have been exactly what i would have done, i wish i could have seen it all earlier that it wouldnt have stopped whether i got hitched or not

and we're back after this whole time right, the mind or the heart?
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Us [Oct. 21st, 2015 01:40 pm]
The one time I try to be put him first and be honest, the one time I try to be fully honest.

& then L said "this is us done".
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So Have You Got The Guts? [Jul. 9th, 2015 01:06 pm]

I am currently amazed at how much disappointment I am sending my way, with myself. I find the need to hide the things I wanna say and this is too cowardly even for my own liking. How, freaking, disappointing. I have come to realise that I am no longer capable of knowing black from white. Today I thought first before doing (nothing). Today I hesitated saying all the things I wanna say, or asking all the questions I wanna ask. Delusion, confusion, combustion.

So have you got the guts?
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26 [Jun. 5th, 2015 01:48 pm]
Reality check; I recently turned 26 (it was tough remembering the real age when I've been 21 forever, but lets get back to the main point) and I would never have imagined to have the best birthday to date at fucking 26.

I mean, I would have thought that someone would treasure turning 18 or 21 or having their best birthdays ever when they're like 9, when having the best Power Ranger cake is a fucking dream come true.

Before I go on, I already feel like this is gonna be a damn long rant/type session so be my guest.

Whatever went down in 3 paragraphsCollapse )

All that said, here's something.

I wish I could tell them kids about how life isn't gonna be what they think it'll be at 26. Too many things, too lazy to type, imma give you my top 3.

#1 I thought drama stopped in Secondary School - but no it gets more dramatic after, even at 20 fucking 6.

#2 I thought heartbreaks were for kids - this was not true too, they get a lot tougher somehow.

#3 I thought I would be doing what I love for a living - I'm definitely not speaking for all; those with a passion and pursuing them, chasing their dreams, good for them. But the bulk of us won't be doing what we love. We'd just be going in for the money with bigger dreams which will all amount to nothing but dreams. We go on about how we will not conform, how we will not be sitting in an office or obeying the authorities, how we will break the law for passion, for the things we love. At 26, I see more responsibilities than ever and nope, all those we thought about when we were young or even at 22, they don't happen.

Life got harder, fact. If you feel like life's a chore right about now, it's gonna get even harder (soon to be fact if you're 21 and reading this) you'll see. But whatever comes comes, and I am so fucking lucky and so majorly blessed, that I've got my family, L, and the boys. I've got bitchez that come and go. I've got people I've relied on for years who became toxic. People always leave.

Hence, my only wish for this year is for the people I love around me right now, to always stay. Xx
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Curiosity Kills The Gemini [Mar. 26th, 2015 01:45 pm]
It would have been nice to have been born less curious about everything.
It would have been nice to have been less restrictive and protective parents so I wouldnt need to lie about every single thing.
It would have been nice if I was safe and contented with a normal easy life.
It would have been nice if I didn't like any sort of danger or thrill.
It would have been nice if I wasn't made this way.

Then there'd be no problems. I'd never have to say no. I'd never be curious about anything. I'd never be inquisitive.

But then if all of that came true, then who would I be?

And then I ask myself now, who am I? Who?
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Passing Thought [Jan. 29th, 2015 03:29 pm]
If the end of something bad feels very much worse than the start of it, then this thing has to be good somehow, right?
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" .. " [Jan. 16th, 2015 12:54 am]
"I found the experience of falling in love or being in love was a death, a death of everything. You kind of watch yourself die in a wonderful way, and you experience for the briefest moment–if you see yourself for a moment through their eyes–everything you believed about yourself gone. In a death-and-rebirth sense." -Hozier
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365/365 [Dec. 31st, 2014 11:23 am]
So we are once again here, the last day of the year.

I was sitting and thinking about doing this mandatory entry like I do yearly and thinking of all the things I am thankful for but find myself staring into space. I am gonna skip the whole ritual of being thankful for things and things I regret crap. Thing is this year is one of the best and worst years for me. Having very mixed feelings about 2014.

That said, no regrets still. Everyone I met in the past year, every single emotion I felt, every word exchanged, I wouldn't change a thing.

For whoever is still reading this, if I started 2014 with you, I wish I start 2015 with you too. If not, then my only regret would be not being able to start 2015 the same way I did with you in 2014. Am I making sense? LULZ

If you are still reading this crap I am writing, I love you. Happy new year dear.
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(no subject) [Dec. 2nd, 2014 12:01 am]

Don't know bout you
But tell me if i could
Let me do you like i'd do

No i don't see
Nothing wrong with this
Let you be you
By you loving it

My lipstick stained waterproof whit
Cheap trick games you on my hip

Dirty tongue, tainted lip
Run the lights, walk the strip

No i don't choose to be
Someone you love and leave
But I know you like it all
Let me give you what you want

No I don't choose to be
Someone you love and leave
But I know you'll take it off
Let me give you what you want

Break all the lights
Kill all the sound
Don't say my name
It don't matter now

Take what you can
I'll do it too
Run from the love
But love what you do
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On Replay [Dec. 1st, 2014 01:05 pm]
"And I'll borrow words from all my favorite paragraphs
To write a ballad while we say the things
We'd hope would mean the most to me
And each letter sent I have found in the pages
The hope for the days when I feel like I've lost everything

You know my heart (so tell me honestly did you ever really want this)
Knows all these lines (cause my jealous heart can't take that)
So I'll sing this song for every word that's come out wrong

But, I'll be ok (Is that what you want me to say)
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